It’s really crazy how our bodies do not forget the pain or trauma you carry around certain times of the year. Today I immediately felt so anxious waking up but I knew I was okay.
I remember moving into the McAllister apartment thinking that was the happiest I had ever been to it being one of the hardest times of my life. Leaving 2548 really marked the end of that period of my life. That place made me and broke me.
I am an entirely different person than the person I was 6 months ago and the me before would never think I’d be here right now, let alone even continue to exist. I look different, I feel different, I think different, I finally have all the right people in my corner and the people that were meant to stay did. I live in my own space and all the things I never thought I’d do again I have already done and more!
Almost half way through 2023 and the way my life has took a turn was a change I could have never been prepared for.
While I can continue to think about all the things that have gone wrong and what I wish I could have done better, I give myself grace and forgiveness.
I look back at the me who couldn’t see all the greatness in herself and all the love that I didn’t feel deserving of. I didn’t know who I was, depression and anxiety ate me alive. I was giving up on everyone around me and myself. If this was what rock bottom was I thought I was down somewhere deeper, but when you get so self destructive there is nothing left for you to do but to pick yourself up and so I did.
I applaud myself for the strength and gratitude I have regained and the vulnerability I finally let myself feel. I continue to remind myself everyday now that I will always have room to grow and anything I want for myself are in my own hands.
And while it still hurts, and there are days I will have doubts, I will continue to keep fighting for myself.
I am proud of my active effort to keep healing, I am proud of my growth. I am an amazing daughter, I am a loyal friend, I am capable, I am beautiful inside and out, I am a lover and I am a fighter. The love I give exists because I exist.
